Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes

From one of Tom Clancy's books: Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???" Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check. .?" Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, "Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?" "Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't." "You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family." So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, "Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?" "Hell no! They're too small and dainty!" "And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!"

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his more...

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, more...

Kuttappan is an Indian. Kuttappan was bragging to his Boss one day, "You know..... I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone important and I'm sure I will know them. Tired of his boasting, his Boss called his bluff, "OK, Kuttappan, how about Tom Cruise?" Kuttappan replies "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Kuttappan and his Boss fly out to Hollywood and knock, on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts," Hey Kutz!! Great to see you! You and your friend must come in and join me for lunch!" They have a blast of a time. Katie Holmes even personally packs 2 sets of Masala Dosas, which is of course specially made by their South Indian chef. They bid each other farewell. Although impressed, Kuttappan's Boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Kuttappan that he thinks Kuttappan's knowing Cruise was just lucky. Kuttappan says "No, no, you go ahead and just more...

Dieter Bohlen, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt are perished with a motoring accident. Arrived in heaven, Petrus open them the door and say:"step in but there's one rule who you must observe: never trample on a duck or else there are disastrouses consequences for you."
When then they stepped in, all the floor was full with ducks. They tried hard that it don't happen this. But the first who happened this was Brad Pitt. Petrus brang him an ugly maid, chained them together and said:"You'll spend the rest of your life together and you never get unchained."
On the next day, Tom Cruise trampled on a duck. Petrus brang him even a much uglier maid, chained them together and said:"You'll spend the rest of your life together and you never get unchained."
Dieter Bohlen didn't trample now on a duck more than a month. Petrus came to him with an unbelievable beautiful maid how Dieter did't she visualize in his wildest dreams. Then he meant to her:"What I more...

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.