Tonight Jokes / Recent Jokes

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna get weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna get weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.

What's on television tonight?
Same as always - a vase of flowers and a bowl of fruit.

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV." Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

A couple who had 2 kids decided that whenever they wanted sex, they would use code words so the children wouldn't know what they were talking about. they would ask "could I take in your laundry tonight? " so the kids couldn't understand. Husband comes home from work one night and asked "Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? No not tonight was her reply. No big deal as he has come home many nights without getting any. They following night he comes home from work and asks "Honey, can I take in your laundry tonight? again her reply was No, not tonight. This goes on several more nights, and the exasperated man always get the same answer, No, not tonight. So the following night the man comes home from work, never says a thing to his wife, but goes straight to bed. In the morning his wife is somewhat worried (knowing how horney he is) and asks "Honey, how come you didn't want to take in my washing last night? Don't even think about it he replies, I only had a more...

' The Xmas-Files'
by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51 p.m., December 24th.


'We're too late! It's already been here.'

'Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.'

'Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.'

'You really think someone's been here?'

'Someone, or something.'

'Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake.'

'Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.'

'It's O.K. There's a note attached:' Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.''

'It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.'

'Who? What are you talking about?'

'Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter more...

It looks like NBC has decided to fill the "Tonight Show with ConanO'Brien" time slot for the next two weeks with...what else?...reruns ofthe Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Here's the Top 10 reasons NBCexecutives are making this decision:


10. They're chicken-hearted and gutless.

9. You gotta admit that lately Conan's been good for ratings.

8. Now they can cancel him.

7. Carson Daly didn't want to do his own show that early.

6. Another dumb ass NBC move so why stop now?

5. Cheap.

4. They found 10 episodes where Conan expresses his gratitude to NBC.

3. Revisiting a kindler, gentler time when Conan didn't cost them so much money.

2. Consider it an audition for the Masturbating Bear. He might get his own show on NBC.

1. The bastards always return to the scene of the crime.