Torch Jokes / Recent Jokes

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. "Jesus is watching you," a voice said "Huh?, oh well," the robber said and continued shinning his torch. "Jesus is watching you," the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. "Oh, it's you," the robber said. "I'm just trying to warn you," the parrot said. "Oh, that's nice," the robber said, pretending to be scared, "what's your name?" "Moses." "Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?" "The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!"

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. “Jesus is watching you, ” a voice said “Huh?, oh well, ” the robber said and continued shinning his torch. “Jesus is watching you, ” the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.
“Oh, it’s you, ” the robber said. “I’m just trying to warn you, ” the parrot said. “Oh, that’s nice, ” the robber said, pretending to be scared, “what’s your name? ” “Moses. ” “Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses? ” “The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus! ”

A young guy Pete, picks up this beatiful blone woman at a outback pub.
Highly impressed with his appeal to women he takes this blonde
home and seduces her. He first sticks one finger and tries to feel
the virginal walls but with no luck. He then sticks two and then
his whole hand in with absolutely no luck. Her hole is far too big.
He then sticks both his hands and feels around. Still no luck!!
Pissed off as he is he stick one leg and then both legs and still
has no luck. He then sticks his hands, legs and his head in and
falls into her hole.
It is pitch dark inside her cunt but fortunately he had a torch
with him and he looks around and accidently drops the torch. Anyway
while trying to feel around for the torch he feels a touch on
his back. He finds another guy John lost inside the blondes cunt as
well
Pete: Oh Hi, Listen, if we find my torch we can find our way out
John: Don't bother find my car keys and more...

Automobile Tool Definitions
Hammer:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Mechanic's Knife:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
Electric Hand Drill:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Hacksaw:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Vise-Grips:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can more...

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is more...

A 103-year-old woman in Beijing, China is training twice a day to carry the torch in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Experts predict if the 103-year-old leaves now, by the 2008 games she should be at the end of her driveway.