Torture Jokes / Recent Jokes

A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she more...

In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a
crew of 20 just to go into warp - The Millennium Falcon does the same
thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable - After pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impulse power - Han Solo floors it.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man more...