Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked "Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?"
The grandpa replied by saying "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandson said,"No."
Then the grandpa said, "Then you can't have one."
Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked "Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?"
The grandpa again replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandson again replied by saying no.
Then the grandpa said, "Well, then you can't have one."
Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, "Gee grandson, can I have one?"
The grandson replied by saying, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"
So the grandpa said, "Yes."
Then the grandson said, "Good, then go more...

a gal asked a boy, "do u think im pretty?"
"no"
"if i left wud u cry?"
"no"
"wud u like to touch my cunt?"
"no"
the girl felt hurt and walked away. but...
the guy grabbed her arm and turned her around
"ur not pretty, ur beautiful
if u left i wudnt cry, id die
i wudnt like to touch ur cunt, id like to be in ur cunt!"
and he shoved her into the bed and fucked her

A blonde walked into a hairdresser's with a pair of headphones on and asked the hairdresser for a haircut - but "don't touch the headphones o.k.?"
"Fine" said the hairdresser - a little taken aback - but happy for the work.
Three weeks later, the same blonde returned and asked for another haircut but with the same condition, "Whatever you do... don't touch the headphones"
"No problem" said the hairdresser who went on to give her another good cut, considering the
restraint.
Three weeks later, the same thing happened "and don't forget - don't touch the headphones" said the blonde. Well, just as the hairdresser was finished, she couldn't resist and she just lifted
one side of the headphones up. The blonde promptly fell stone dead on the floor of the shop. "Oh my God - I think I've killed her" screamed the hairdresser. She picked up the headphones and put them on herself.
She heard the strangest more...

Bholaji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I touch it hurts."
The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doc, surprised, says "touch your head."
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and tells Bhola to come back after two days.
Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your problem..."
"Oh yeah? what is it ?"
'You've broken your finger!'

An Irishman, with quite a pronounced limp, sits down at a bar and orders a whiskey. As he looks down at the end of the bar, he sees someone who resembles Jesus, so he asks the bartender, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender confirms that it is, so the Irishman tells him to give Jesus a whiskey, too.
Next, a hunchbacked Italian enters the bar and orders a glass of wine. When he sees Jesus sitting down at the end of the bar, he asks the bartender to give a glass of wine to the son of God, too.
Finally, a redneck swaggers in, dragging his knuckles on the floor, and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The bartender nods and the redneck tells him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus gets up to leave, he walks over to the Irishman, touches him, and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" Feeling the strength return to his legs, the Irishman gets up and dances a jig out the door.
Jesus then more...

The Gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
"Sir", she said; "The ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR".
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him.
The Men's more...