Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good nights sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not," he asks.
She answers back, "Because I'm dead."
The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."
The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."
Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

ORIGAMI
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?

SMOKE
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.

PIRANHAS
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.

MAGNETS
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you more...

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick." In need of a ROM upgrade. In serious need of attitude adjustment. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us. Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns. Infinite space between her ears. Informationally deprived. Inhabits her own private timezone. Inspected by #13. Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." Intellectually/synaptically challenged. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end. Invented a submarine with a screen door. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age. Q lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Just another flash in the bedpan. Keeps his imagination on a long leash. Knitting with only one needle. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence. Landing with his gear/brain up more...

In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick."

In need of a ROM upgrade.

In serious need of attitude adjustment.

In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.

In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.

Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.

Infinite space between her ears.

Informationally deprived.

Inhabits her own private timezone.

Inspected by #13.

Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Intellectually/synaptically challenged.

Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.

Invented a submarine with a screen door.

IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol? ”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to more...

There was this one lady who went to the doctor.she runs up to the doctor an says doctor doctor can u help me i hurt everyware!!! the doctor says thats inpossible an he says touch youre elbo the lady does it... Ouch it hurts she said he says touch youre nose... Ouch that hurt even worse ok well touch youre head OUCHHHHHhhhhhh!!! that hurts well... the doctor takes her into the back room an takes X-rays an says miss i think i found out whats wronge... it seems that u have broken youre finger!!!