Tourist Jokes / Recent Jokes

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: “It’s not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I’m in a bad mood? ” – Vanna White, “Wheel of Fortune” co-star

On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: “I’d rather not talk about money. It’s kind of gross. ” – Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces

On Disco Music, Importance of: “God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful. ” – Donna Summer, disco singer

On Giving It Your All: “I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard. ” – New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest

On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: “[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality. ” – Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni more...

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

Tourist: Is this 99 Main Street? Resident: No, it's 66, but we turn it upside down to confuse people.

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsens Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsens Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me... is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, Wh at your name?" "I say Sem more...

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist's boat capsized. Although he could swim, his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the capsized craft. Finally spotting a beachcomber on the shore, he shouted out to him, "Hey, are there any 'gators around here?"
"Nope," the man yelled back. "Ain't been any 'gators 'round these parts for years!"
Feeling more at ease, the tourist commenced swimming leisurely towards shore.
When he was about halfway there, he shouted out to the beachcomber again, "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?"
"Oh, we didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber yelled back. "The sharks got every last one of 'em!"

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign "Hans Olaffsen`s Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like `Hans Olaffsen`s Laundry?`" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, `What your name?` He say,`Hans Olaffsen.` Then she look at me and go, `What your name?`" "I say Sem more...

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the
taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see
the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything, feeling himself
a "guest" and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued
without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the American's dismay, the cab driver
brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain
his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen," he says, "when you went through the red light, I
didn't say anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you
stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was
deranged:
"Are you crazy?!" he shouts. "The other guy has a red
light-do you want to get us killed?!"