Tourist Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stupid people LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper. IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. more...

An American tourist travelling in Limerick came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere $150, the skull of Saint Patrick. Included in the price was a certificate of the skulls authenticity, signed by Saint Patrick himself. Ten years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the antique shop owner if he had any more bargains. "Ive got the very thing for you," said the Irishman. "Its the genuine skull of Saint Patrick". "You swindler!" shouted the American. "You sold me that ten years ago," and, producing the skull, added, "Look, theyre not even the same size!""You have it all wrong," said the Irishman. "This is the skull of Saint Patrick when he was a lad."

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa."
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday."

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people - many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women - ooops, "women and men" - we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts .. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was more...

One day U-RAVANA was doing a run in the morning and he was stopped by a tourist in front of Queens Hotel. Excuse me could you please tell me where Trinity College is? U-RAVANA replied yes I can, paused for a few moments and said - Look not this junction, not next junction, anne ara junction. ( "anne ara" must be read in sinhalese.)

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The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room" replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher."
"Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman."
"Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

A tourist is walking down an alley in Mexico. Wanting to know
the time, he walks up to a mexican who is sitting on the ground
next to a donkey. "Do you know what time it is." asks the
tourist.

The mexican raises his arm, lifts up the donkeys' balls
and says, "It's about two thirty".

A little confused, The man
continues on his way. A little while later the tourist returns,
with the same question.

The mexican again raises his arm, lifts up the donkeys' balls and says "It's about five twenty".

Astonished, the tourist can't help but ask how he did it.

Themexican again raises his arm, lifts up the donkeys' balls and
points, "Do you see that clock over there....?".