Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle, ” he explained. “Now begin! ”
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
“Why did you stop. Smith? ” demanded the officer.
“If you please, sir, ” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while. ”

Special High Intensity Training - S.H.I.T.MEMORANDUMTO: All EmployeesFROM: Communications ServicesSUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAININGIn order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other office in town.If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S.H.I.T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic more...

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general."You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Dont you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?""Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But When two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Lets eat one now and save the other until winter --- that did it."

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give our employees more S. H. I. T. than anyone else does. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.). Since your managers took S. H. I. T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S. H. I. T. anymore, because they are full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. more...

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved more...

Energetic self-starter: You’ll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You’ll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You’ll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make “cold calls” on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem more...

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 more...