Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to more...

Military training:
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"
"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' -that did it!"

After months of training, when you finally understand all of a programs commands, the new revised edition arrives with a new command structure.

Military training:During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general."You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?""Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' -that did it!"

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:
Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits.
Parties: Going without new outfits.
Man management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
Bathroom etiquette i: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
Bathroom etiquette ii: His razor is his.
Communication skills i: Tears - the last resort, not the first.
Communication skills ii: Thinking before speaking.
Communication skills iii: Getting what you want without nagging.
Driving a car safely: A skill you can acquire.
Telephone skills: How to hang up.
Advanced parking: Backing into a space.
Water retention: Fact or fat.
Cooking i: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.
Cooking ii: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.
Cooking iii: How not to inflict your diets on more...

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a
red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant’s backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the more...