Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

Special High Intensity Training - S. H. I. T. MEMORANDUMTO: All EmployeesFROM: Communications ServicesSUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAININGIn order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained though our Special High Intensity Training (S. H. I. T.). We are giving our employees more S. H. I. T. than any other office in town. If you feel you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle at your own speed. If you think that you have a thorough understanding of the basic S. H. I. T. program, you may wish to participate in Management Of Related Education (M. O. R. E. S. H. I. T.). If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We more...

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo.
In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell
"No training is needed or you will be in danger"
The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful"
"Be very careful"
Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands
"Can I ring the bell with my head? "The guy asked
"NO, TRAINING"
"I can do it"
"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"
Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he

In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor
was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers. “Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked.“Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.“Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor.“Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble.“I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier,” spoke the teacher.“That's right, sir,” answered our hero. “I have a nick-number.”

Three blondes are training to be police officers. The man who is training them takes out a picture and asks the first blonde, “What do you notice about the man in this picture? ”
The blonde says, “He only has one eye! ”.
The man says “No, no, it’s a side view. ”
Then he says to the second blonde, “What do you notice about this man? ”
. The 2nd blonde says, “He only has one ear! ”.
The man says “Hello, it’s a side view! Geez! ”.
So the man goes over to the last blonde and says, “What do you notice about this man? ”
. The final blonde says, “He wears contacts! ”
The man goes to the FBI computer and looks the man in the picture up - sure enough - he wears contacts!
The man says, “How did you know that? ”
. The blonde says “Well, if he only has one eye and one ear, how can he wear glasses? ”

So it seemed that Professional Wrestling had so much public image problems, and in this age of
political correctness, something had to be done to repair that image. Thus came the idea of a
Sensitivity Training Camp for Professional Wrestlers, deep in Smokey Mountains woods, far from any
human beings. After several hours, of driving on tough roads, the group had to continue the trip, on
foot for another day or so while mules carried the food and equipments for the group.
Two weeks later the Professional Wrestling Federation, invited reporters to interview the wrestlers
who were coming back from the camp. So, this reporter showed up and waited for the wrestlers who were
coming down the mountain.
He meets the Raging Bull, a 400 pound wrestler known for his vicious Death Chop. The reporter asked
him about the memorable events of the camp. After a bit of thought, the Raging Bull says, "Well,
there was this time a mule got lost, so me more...

This poem was written by Ken Nagler, an obedience judge and director of the
Canine Training Association in MD.
Now clicker training's quite the fad.
Results from some are not too bad.
The concept stemmed from Pavlov's hound
Responding to some special sound.
The dog would start to salivate
Before he got the food he ate.
The modern click does much the same.
Enhancing our dogtraining game
By causing Fido's hopes to raise-
Anticipating treats or praise.
Sometimes you click to no avail,
And other methods also fail.
No matter how you plead or shout,
Sometimes the dog just won't put out
When asked to sit or heel or stay,
Thus giving you a rotten day.
It makes you feel quite like a fool,
And then you start to lose your cool.
But if your methods fail for you.
There's something else that you can do.
Try "liquor training", that's it's name,
To help you with your dogsport more...

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo more...