Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.

The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I more...

Things You Learn from Video Games
There is no problem that cannot be overcome by force.
If it moves, DESTROY IT!
Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
One lone "good guy" can defeat an infinite number of "badguys."
Make sure you eat all food lying on the ground.
You can break things and get away with it.
You can push other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
If someone dies, they disappear.
If you get mad enough, you can fight even better.
You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters.
You can operate all weapons without training.
No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
Death is reversible (only for you!)
Ninjas are common, and frequently fight in public.
Whenever big fat mean guys are about to croak, they begin flashing red or yellow.
You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
All women wear revealing clothes and have great more...

"My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."
(CIO of Dell Computers)Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo more...

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FR: MANAGEMENT SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through out program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSY TRAINING (S. H. I. T.). We are trying to give out employees more S. H. I. T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S. H. I. T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S. H. I. T. list, and out managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle. DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T.). Those who fail to take D. E. E. P. S. H. I. T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E. A. T. S. H. I. T.). Since our managers took S. H. I. T. before they were promoted, they don't have to take S. H. I. T. anymore, and are full of S. H. I. T. already. If you are full of S. H. I. T., you more...

A person walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "I want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure sir, coming right up". He gets the person a tall mug of coffee, and the person drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the same person returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and the bucket of buffalo manure in the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "I want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the hell was that all about, anyway?"
The man smiles and proudly says, "Iam in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After
some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, "You leave the air plane, count till
three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull
the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there
is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!"
The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens.
He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and
says, "As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either."

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump.
Before the jump the instructor recalls, "You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If it does not, pull the emergency cord. Then the emergency parachute will open. On the ground there is a lorry waiting. We will meet on the lorry again. Good luck!"
The first recruit jumps, counts till three and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He pulls the emergency cord. Nothing happens. The recruit is not surprised and says, "As far as I know the army, I bet the lorry will not be there, either."