Training Jokes / Recent Jokes
A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.
Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man's last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What the hell do you want?"
"I'd like a drink," responded the man.
"No way, not after your last escapade," snapped the bartender.
"But bartender, I'm in training," replied the man.
"Training! Training more...
Military sources today confirmed passing on the oppurtunity to kill 190 insurgents gathered in a cemetery mourning the passing of one of their fallen comrades. An unnamed general confirmed that we could have taken out the entire group with one unmanned predator missile and no risk of suffering any casualities of our own. His explanation was simply that killing an entire group in a cemetery wouldn't be nice. The time savings alone would cause Taliban grave diggers economic hardship and or unemployment. He then went on to explain that we already had troops in the area that we have invested millions of dollars in training and supplying, training and supplying that creates jobs in this country. Stating that " our boys actually prefer plinking those dirty bastards one by one ", he pointed out the benefit to our own economy to drawing out the war as long as possible. Additionally, aborting a bombing in a cemetery would spare the the difficult task of explaining just how we dropped more...
Military training:
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton! ” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company? ”
“Yes sir, ” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ -that did it! ”
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...
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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT
The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.
Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.
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INTRODUCTION
The more...
Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies: As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation ) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go more...
The soldier had been in training for six weeks before he was finally given leave.
"Darling, "he wrote to his wife,' Til be arriving at the airport on Sunday. But let me warn you: You'd better reserve a hotel room nearby."
Just before he left, the soldier received this note from his wife: "Darling," it said, "I'll be there to meet you. But let me warn you: You'd better be the first guy off the plane."