Training Jokes / Recent Jokes

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.You will have trouble with the ties on your dobok pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in training.

Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!"

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 more...

Santa was in Telecom deptt. before joining the army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor was very upset with him.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the Drill Instructor. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the Bantat, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
Banta checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," Banta said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test." We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her." The englishman grabbed the gun. "Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good." He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying, "We've been maried too long. I just cant do it." So he was booted out. The frenchman grabbed the gun. "If I must, I must." He went into his wifes cell for about a minute and there was silence. He came walking out crying, "I love her too much. I just can't do it." So he was booted out. So the ukranian grabbed the gun and stormed into his wifes cell. "That more...

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddyback road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" askedthe lieutenant as he pulled alongside." Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him thekeys, "*Yours* is."

Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
DATE: 25 MARCH 1999

Please be advised that you have been invited to attend the "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (S. H. I. T.) program which will enable you to attain the highest levels of work quality and productivity in the IT industry. It is our primary objective to equip all employees with more S. H. I. T. than anyone else in the industry.
Employees who have previously undergone this program and are already full of S. H. I. T. are qualified to train others on the basic rudiments of the program called "BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (B. U. L. L. S. H. I. T.). For details, please see:
DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D. I. P. S. H. I. T.)
Please be warned that any employee who fails to S. H. I. T. will be automatically placed on "DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION & PROBATION of SPECIAL more...