Trial Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12, 000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"

A murder trial was concluding. In his closing, the defense lawyer stated strongly, "Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution has made much of its circumstantial case against my client, but as you all know by now, they have never found the alleged victim. Well, members of the jury, we have done what they have failed to do, proving without a doubt my client's innocence. The person presumed dead is about to walk into this courtroom."

With that, the attorney looked expectantly at the doors at the back of the courtroom. The jurors, stunned, looked at the door eagerly for a minute, but no one entered. Finally, the lawyer stated, "I confess, I made up the previous statement. But I did so to prove a point about reasonable doubt. All of you thought that person would enter the court. How can you find my client guilty when you have such strong guilty that anyone was event killed?"

To the lawyer's shock, the jury only deliberated for ten minutes before more...

A trial attorney put each witness in the case through a brutal cross-examination. He was elated in his success in forcing the the witnesses to admit that could not remember the details of an automobile accident, turning minor inconsistencies and memory lapses into major challenges to each witness's credibility. Finally, he reached the last witness, feeling very happy with himself and murmuring under his breath, "Here we go for the no-hitter." He approached the witness.

"Sir, do you claim you actually saw the accident?" he asked.

"Yes I did."

"How far away were you when the accident happened?"

"I was 28 feet, 4 and 5/8 inches from the point of collision."

"Twenty-eight, four and five-eights inches?," the lawyer sneered. "Do you reaaly expect us to believe that your memory is so good and your depth perception so extreme precise that you have somehow magically been able more...

1991 - A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.
1992 - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S.D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."
1993 - Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James Heard had a 0.26 more...

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."

1991 -- A Montana State University chemistry professor claimed in March that he was wrongfully accused of being drunk after an accident (which occurred while he was on work-release for a previous (drunk driving sentence). While a state trooper found him "highly intoxicated," the professor said a chemical explosion in his lab caused him to smell and act drunk and that his statement to the trooper about having consumed a six-pack of beer was merely incoherent babbling" because of the trauma of the accident.

1992 -- Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, S. D., in April for drunk driving, explained to the judge: "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had."

1993 -- Only days apart, two Wisconsin men arrived in court drunk for their trials on drunken-driving charges. Both denied they had been drunk while driving, and both denied they were drunk in the courtroom. James more...

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12, 000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."