Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tyre. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination. ”
The computer programmer said: “We have here the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tyre and continue our drive. ”
The computer operator said: “First of all, let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem. ”
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again. ”

One day, a little frog was sitting in his pond looking around at home. He decided that it just wasn't as nice as he knew it could be and he decided to remodel to raise the value of his property and to live more comfortably. He called the local forest contractor and got an estimate for $5000. The little frog only had $2500 saved up so he decided to go to a bank to apply for a loan for the rest of the money. When he got to the bank, he hopped over to one of the tellers and said, "good morning, I would like to apply for a loan" the teller looked at the little frog and said, "you have to go speak to our loan specialist, Ms. Patty Mac, third office on your left". So the little frog hopped into Ms. Mac's office and jumped on to the desk and said, "good morning, I would like to apply for a loan". Patty looked at the little frog and said, "What will you be putting up as collateral?" The little frog was confused, not knowing what collateral was so Ms. more...

A Message From Your Computer:
You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I
like the way your eyes are always open when you read your
E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist
tinkling on her keys.
You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.
If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really
means!
But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
your every command. Yes mistress! I'll balance your cheque-
book. Yes mistress! I'll run your silly little program.
Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but
maybe just once in a while you could show some
compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,
you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot
first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off
when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards?
I know other computers have hurt you in the more...

There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi driver's turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with God. He, however, was sent to hell.Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, " We judge whether one goers to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when he drove."

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.3. While looking at your book, turn so you're facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You're one of THEM!"6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"7. Read your book. Upside down.8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the more...

In the spirit of this new post-entertainment entertainment era, where the coverage of events and product ends up more enjoyable than what is actually being covered, NEW YORK OBSERVER critic Rex Reed on Oliver Stone's new one U-TURN:

' No amount of St. John's Wort will get you through U TURN. You need stronger stuff, since it's a movie so stupefyingly bad it seems to have been made by people stoned on Prozac and helium. Not so much directed as hallucinated by madman Oliver Stone, this lurid, violent and pretentious cross between BLUE VELVET and DUEL IN THE SUN is not as much fun as it sounds... The cinematography is ugly, the actors look embalmed (especially Nick Nolte, who resembles the head of a centipede), the writing is uniformly lousy. It seems to have been made by an idiot savant... Vultures circle overhead in every scene while it just lays there stinking... What U TURN is, really, is an unmitigated pile of crap -- and one of the worst non-movies ever made.' ---Rex Reed

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss was standing behind you. It's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneek in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?". You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.