Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Fruit Cake Recipe
1 c water
1 c butter
4 lg. eggs
1 btl WHISKEY
8 oz mixed nuts
1 tsp. salt
juice of one lemon
1 c brown sugar
2 c dried fruit
1 tsp baking powder
Sample whiskey to check quality. Take a large bowl. Re-sample whiskey to ensure it is of the highest quality. Pour one cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn on the mixerer. Break two eggs and add to the bowl, chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If fried druit gets stuck in beaterers, pry loos with a drewscriver. Sample whiskey to check for tonsiscency. Next sift two cups of salt...or something...who cares? Check whiskey again. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the more...

You Know You're From a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.
The city limits signs are both on the same post!
The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.
Second Street is in the next town more...

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says."Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around... and drop your pants," she says. He drops his pants and she looks him up... and she looks him down... "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles."You told me yesterday!"

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.(Source: Outside Magazine)Grand Canyon National Park... Was this man-made? Do you light it up at night? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park... Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Denali National Park (Alaska)... What time do you feed the bears? Can you show me where the yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Mesa Verde National Park... Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad more...

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."
Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home more...

Editor's Note: We get so many yo momma jokes that I decided to group them. Keep checking back, this is likely to grow

----

yo momma's like a door knob, every one get a turn

yo momma's like a hardware store, 10 cents a screw

yo momma's like a light switch, easy to turn on

yo momma's like a tv, a two year old can turn her on.

yo momma is so desperate she told me that she would give me a blow job for a quarter.

yo momma is so horny she's on the fence sayin' here kitty kitty.