Turn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are more funny thoughts from www.crazythoughts.com.
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why can't a baby cry while it's inside its mother?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie more...

Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guiness
and sat in the back o fthe room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.
The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied,
"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in
Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised
that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender agreed that it was a nice custom and left it at that.
The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way:
He ordered three pints and drank them in turn.
One day, the Irishman came in and ordered two pints. All the other
regulars noticed and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the
second round, the more...

Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds."Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created more...

Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial more...

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?" You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.