Turtle Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly man and his doctor were having a discussion concerning Bush's health care reform ideas.
"You know," said the elderly man, "old Bush is a post turtle."
Not understanding what he meant, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
"When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence with a turtle balanced on top, well, that's a post turtle," explained the old man.
"You know darn well he didn't get there by himself," continued the old man, "he sure doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing get down."

One day, deep within the forest, a small turtle started to climb a tree.
After hours of endless effort, he finally reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs, and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree once more, jumped, and again fell straight to the ground.
Again and again the little turtle tried, while a couple of birds sat on a branch watching his unsuccessful efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate and chirped, "Dear, don't you think it's time we tell him he's adopted?"

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted."

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I more...

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer? The joystick's wet. How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer? There's white out on the screen. How do you know she's been back? There's writing on the white out. What do a turtle and a blonde have in common? Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!... but at least the turtle tries to get back up!