Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks up to the bartender in a bar and says, "I bet you twenty dollars I can pee into that cup over there." He points to a cup over the bar about 4 feet away. The bartender says sure, positive that the man can't do it and he's about to make 20 bucks. Sure enough, the man ends up peeing all over the bar, anywhere but in the cup. The bartender, laughing, collects twenty dollars. The man is still smiling. Curious, the bartender asks, "You just lost your bet. Why are you smiling?"
"Well," said the man, "I just bet that man over there that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't do anything but laugh."

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor: "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "There is a $20 note lodged up here".
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 note appears.
"This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" suggests the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc. ..
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand"

When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it's a decent town and nobody really bothered him.
One day, the teacher asked the class, "Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?" To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, "Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars."
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said, "George Washington, because he was the father of our country."
"That's excellent," said the teacher.
Another said, "Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves."
"That's also good," said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of 'excellent,' but still being polite.
One little girl said, "Joan of Arc, because she saved France."
"Another excellent choice," said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand, so the teacher called on more...

It was New Year’s Eve … by then, actually, it was very early on New Year’s morning. The drunk staggered out of the men’s room and wobbled his way to the bar.
“I, uh, lll…, I’ll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble. ” The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk’s sharp looking suit. “Buddy, it looks to me like you’ve had quite enough. Why don’t you call it a night and go home. ”
The drunk protests… “N-n-no! I ca-can’t. My, my wife, you, you see… She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it… She, she’s gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble…”
“Tell you what, ” the bartender says. “You got any 20 dollar bills on you? ”
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies… “Y-yeah, I got a few…. ” The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk. “There you go buddy. When your wife asks you more...

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died. The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female." No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."