Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared. He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich. When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it.
He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O. K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.

Q: What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?
A: Ohio.

Q: "There were some twins. One was twenty, the other was twenty 2. One married the other. How can be this? "
A: "One was twenty, the other twenty too. One was a priest so he married the other"
PS: These sentences must be asked orally. Pronunciation is important. (too = 2)

Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.

This one should be spoken.
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)

Q: How many people are buried in that cemetery?
A: All of them.

Q: What can't be used until it's broken?
A: An egg.

Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.

Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper

Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked."Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust.""Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?""I sell lucky charms," said Ted.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

What's so great about having sex with twenty nine year olds?


There's twenty of them.

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,..."Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying..."WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted." I haven't added them up yet!"