Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

Q: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? A: Anything you want. He can't hear you.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds."WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

JUST FAUX FUN
"Can you loan me faux dollars ?"
"What faux ?"
"To buy faux diamonds."
"What do you need with faux diamonds ?"
"I have sixteen, but I need faux more."
"Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?"
"No, just twenty, not twenty-faux ."
"You CAN'T be faux real! Besides, I don't have faux dollars."
"Thanks faux nothing !"
"Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?"
"Well, it's faux pas."
"And why does pas need faux dollars ?"
"'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !"

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
"Wow! Twenty pounds!" exclaimed many at the bar as they congratulated the proud father.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? Didn't he weigh twenty pounds at birth?"
The proud Texas father said, "Yup... just had him circumcised!"

JUST FAUX FUN"Can you loan me faux dollars ?""What faux ?""To buy faux diamonds.""What do you need with faux diamonds ?""I have sixteen, but I need faux more.""Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?""No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .""You CAN'T be faux real! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.""Thanks faux nothing !""Why do you REALLY need faux dollars ?""Well, it's faux pas.""And why does pas need faux dollars ?""'Cause Ma SPENT all of his !"

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"