Twenty Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tom: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk. Jim: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning. Tom: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins! Jim: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.
Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said that of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" The donkey said that yes he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying more...

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are toldto seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that areunder their wives control and they other for those that controltheir wives. After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their arenineteen men in the first line and only one in the second. The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of hisindependence." That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player. He would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill. His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes late to tee off. One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said. "I can't stand it any longer! Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left? Why do you do that?" "Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me. If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right- handed. If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed." "Aha! But what if she's on her back?" "That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"

Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the
floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my
wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed
scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became
aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing
and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described
the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that
we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was
keeping us from going to sleep..."
FRIENDS: "And then?"
US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it
was pretty damn impressive."

Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minutes, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was keeping us from going to sleep..."
FRIENDS: "And then?"
US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it was pretty damn impressive."