Typing Jokes / Recent Jokes
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don`t, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain`s desktop computer, even if it`s turned off.
Powerful computers beep more...
"Did you know that last month's (expletive) phone bill is over $450?" my wife scolded me in her harshest, my-husband-the-child voice. "That's more than twice the monthly payment you make for that (expletive)computer!" she continued as she escalated to screaming." I confess! I confess!" I sobbed. "I'm just an on-line junkie. I'm addicted to my modem! I guess I'll just have to join Modems Anonymous before I owe my soul to the phone company. "As a counselor for Modems Anonymous, I hear numerous variations of the preceding story every day. That insidious disease, modem fever, is exacting a tragically large toll from the cream of our society's computer users. Modem-mania is sweeping through the very foundations of our country and there seems to be no stopping it. This disease (yes, it is a social disease of almost epidemic proportions) is becoming a such calamity that soon there's even going to be a soap opera about on-line addiction named, "All more...
Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa.. arrling's typing.
Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert: Magar kyoon baas?
Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.
One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
Typing teacher: Raj! Your work has certainly improved. There are only ten mistakes here.
Raj: Oh good!
Teacher: Now let's look at the second line, shall we?
1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors.8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or more...
She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&M's.She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?"When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper and puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.She rolls her hosiery to just below the knee and keeps it there by tying it in a knot.The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up.She tries to fax chocolate chip cookies to her daughter in college.She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.Types 60 words per minute.......but not in English.She wears White-Out for nail polish.