Uncle Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and the family included Senators and Wall Street Wizards. The family decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
So the family hired a fine author to put together all their research notes, only a problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, for he could handle the story tactfully.
So the book appeared and it said...
"Great Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution. He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Dear Bobby Ray,
I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for four days, and the second time for six days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Tom locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours more...

All the kids a class had to bring in a lesson. The teacher asks a little girl to tell her lesson. She says, she droped a bucit of milk. The teacher says thats a good lesson. She calls on another little girl. She says she droped a basket of eggs. The teacher says thats a good lesson. Then the teacher calls on a little boy. He says his uncle was in world war 2. He said that his uncle has a gun a bottle of beer and 15 Germans running at him. He takes a chug of beer and shot 5 Germans. Then he takes another chug of beer and shot 5 more Germans. Then he takes his last chug of beer and shot the last 5 Germans. Then the teacher asks so whats the lesson. The kid said never run at my uncle when he has beer.

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice."What's the $82,500 for?" he asked."Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."

One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
“My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. ”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket. ”
Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. ”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies “Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched. ”
Last is little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy more...

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand." My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. more...

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!" So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked. The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!" The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American. "Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly. Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American. "What is it?" asked the American. more...