Understand Jokes / Recent Jokes
You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffine in about 6 hours.
You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head.
You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune.
You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizare rules of grammer but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
You realize not only is it day but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.
You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).
You wonder when the invasion will begin.
You understand #8.
You write a list like this.
You start getting lost in the control syntax (i.e. () {} [] or other meaningless symbols that the high and mighty compiler programmers force down upon us its represion more...
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required. 1. Combatting Stupidity2. You Too Can Do Housework3. Resistance to Beer4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4: 00am7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence13. You, The Weaker Sex14. Reasons To Give Flowers15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without more...
Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number two rule follows. Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it. Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about one foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better. Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you've heard about submissive Asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control. Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other more...
A young politician, eager to gather votes, accepted the invitation of a local woman's club to speak on the subject of sex. However, fearing that his wife wouldn't understand, he told her that he planned to lecture on sailing.
A week after the speech, his wife ran into one of the ladies of the club who mentioned how entertaining his talk had been.
"I just can't understand it," said the wife, "he knows so little about it."
"Come on, darling, don't be coy. His talk showed intimate acÂquaintance with the subject," said the matron.
"But he's only tried it twice," protested the wife. "The first time he lost his hat and the second he became seasick."
Yesterday I got from my boss the Performance Evaluation results he was doing for a while.
Here is a copy of it.
PERFORMANCE EVALUATION
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Under the freedom of information act and the federal privacy act of 1974, I understand that my work
performance is being evaluated. I have the right to review and discuss differences in order to resolve
them and I have the right to request amendment to and/or modification of any document.
Name: Tunga Date of review: 26th January, 1998
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KNOWLEDGE: 1 [V] The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2 [ ] Knows just enough to be dangerous
3 [ ] Only has half a brain and is dangeruos
4 [ ] Fucking brain damage. His coffee cup has a higher I. more...
Men vs. Women
A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.
A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is more...
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man more...