Undertaker Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused. The retired more...

Prior to the funeral service, the undertaker approached the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"He was 98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," commented the undertaker.
"Yes," she replied. "Hardly worthwhile going home, huh?"

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:"Come and bury my wife." "But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker." I got married again," the man sobbed." Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife.

"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker.

"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he
had this huge erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big, naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"
The undertaker replies, "Wrong room."

Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around tellin people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before more...

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?