United Jokes / Recent Jokes
The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd... "
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a more...
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth
II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, Commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing more...
The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.
"Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen." The lady replied.
"Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"
According to the President, the first runner up in the White House dog-naming contest was DOTUS.
FYI: these Secret Service translations:
POTUS=President of the United States,
FLOTUS=First Lady of the United States
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The Top 11 Changes at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy
11. To avoid confusion, staff begins referring to Madelaine Albright by name.
10. New' doggy door' makes it that much easier to sneak out a midnight run to McDonald's.
9. At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears' Bad boy.'
8.' Bitch' label now somewhat ambiguous.
7. Accusations of random crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.
6. New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.
5. Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note....
4. Pipe and more...
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town`s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500, 000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn`t you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... no."
"--or that mybrother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted,
"--or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, more...
The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25
Number 4/1979. P. O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United
States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that
all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States
courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and more...
WASHINGTON D.C. - Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. more...