"How To Build an Atom Bomb" joke

The following paper is taken from The Journal of Irreproducible Results, Volume 25
Number 4/1979. P. O. Box 234 Chicago Heights, Illinois 60411
1. INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United
States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be
compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that
all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the
court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor; namely, that such
atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct. The United States
courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the
intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a
blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can (and
must) be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a
thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such
a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to
have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5, 000 and $30, 000, depending on how fancy you want the final
product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in
the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format.
2. CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier
(see NOTE 1). A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing
Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local
terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous.
Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your
children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an
insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in
your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely.
3. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet
metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase, a lunch pail, or
a Buick. Do not use tinfoil.
4. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispheral shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber
cement to hold the Plutonium dust together.
5. Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but
messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this
item.
6. Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find
Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with Playdo or any modeling clay. Colored clay is
acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point.
7. Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such
as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent
accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling.
8. To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC
model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will
strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonatior caps can be found in
the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic"
brand because they are no deposit-no return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not
recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced
there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable
conditions. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at
parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defense.
3. THEORY OF OPERATION
The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass.
The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain recation similar to the domino chain reaction
(discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968). The chain reaction then
promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion!
4. NEXT MONTH'S COLUMN
In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This
project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will
be all you need. See you next month!
5. NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of
Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marisum.
6. PREVIOUS MONTH'S COLUMNS
1. Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1979
2. Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1979
3. Let's Make an Economic Recession! July, 1979
4. Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1979
5. Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1979