United Jokes / Recent Jokes

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um. .. no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the more...

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker. He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?" The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?" The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?" The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?" The New Yorker replied, "Excuse me, but what is 'excuse me?'"

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk, but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did." The man muttered, unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. more...

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse more...

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v. s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to more...

Giuseppe walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who`s-a George Washington?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who`s-a George Washington?" He says, "Hah! George-a Washington`s the first-a President of-a United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A couple of days later, Giuseppe walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppe, who`s-a Abraham Lincoln?" He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I`m-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen." A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppe. . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?" He says, "No. Who`s-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?" The guy yells, "That`s the guy who`s bangin` your wife while you`re in night school."