Universe Jokes / Recent Jokes

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper more...

A poor, old woman sat there on her rocking chair on her porch, reflecting back on her long life. She then spots something on the garden path.She hobbles over to it bends down and groans in pain from a sore back.She picks up the bottle and hobbles back to her rocking chair.She gives the bottle a rub and:
POOF!
A Genie apears and says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle of which I have been trapped for thousands of years! I grant you three wishes.
The Old Woman thought.There was so many things she could wish for! She says"For my first wish, I wish to be a young and beautiful woman again with my life ahead of me!"
The Genie puts a mirror infront of the Old Woman and claps his hands.Suddenly, she watches her body begin to change in the mirror.Her skin tightens and her wrinkles dissapear.Her old figure becomes a new curvy one.Her hair turns from grey to black and lenghthens so it is long.She suddenly feels as if her chest is about to burst out of the more...

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

: Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat, Sir."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them
aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These more...

1. If you have no life - and you can prove it mathematically.2. If you enjoy pain.3. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.4. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."5. If you've actually used every single function on your graphing
calculator.6. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.7. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."8. If you always do homework on Friday nights.9. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.10. If you think in "math."11. If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.12. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.13. If you have a pet named after a scientist.14. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.15. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.16. If you can more...

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates. ..............
"Look everything should be in balance.
For every 10 deer there should be a lion.
Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....
And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes....
And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance."
One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?"
God said "Aha... that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. more...

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.