Universe Jokes / Recent Jokes

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
There's an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris more...

25 facts of life
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force more...

Long ago in a Polish town there lived a wise Rabbi. One night a
peddler came to the Rabbi's house. "Rabbi," he said, "I am going to kill
myself!"
"Heaven, forbid!" cried the Rabbi, "What could make you have
such a sinful thought?"
"Is it better than I should starve to death!
Today my horse died and without a horse I cannot earn my living!"
"Look,"
said the Rabbi, "the Holy One, Blessed be He, will provide for you.
Tonight, at midnight, meet me at the stable of the Count." The peddler
had no idea what the Rabbi could mean, but obediently he arrived at
the Count's stables at 12 o'clock sharp. The Rabbi took him to one of
the stalls and told him to take the beautiful white stallion standing
there.
"Oy, vay!" said the peddler, "I can't do this, the Count will
have me hanged!"
"Don't worry," the Rabbi assured him, "take the more...

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

Quotes about computers and software and other things
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
-Doug Gwyn
"Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen."
- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...
- unknown
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
- Rich Julius
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape more...

In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a
crew of 20 just to go into warp - The Millennium Falcon does the same
thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable - After pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.
One word: Lightsabers.
Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.
Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impulse power - Han Solo floors it.

LONDON (Nov 8, 1996 1:48 p.m. EST) - Scientists searching for one of the fundamental keys to the universe found they had been beaten to the answer by the comic cult novel "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"; and the answer was 42.
In the British novel and radio serial by Douglas Adams, an alien race programs a computer called Deep Thought to provide the ultimate answer to understanding life and the universe.
In the novel, seven and a half million years later Deep Thought comes back with the result - 42.
Astronomers at Britain's Cambridge University took a little less time - three years - to calculate the Hubble Constant that determines the age of the universe. But the answer was the same.
"It caused quite a few laughs when we arrived at the figure 42, because we're all great fans of The Hitchhiker's Guide," Dr. Keith Grange, one of the team of Cambridge scientists who worked on the project, said Friday.
"Everyone thought it was quite more...