Use Jokes / Recent Jokes

Her face is on the front of a food stamp.
That your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
When I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
She waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.
When I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
The building society repossessed her cardboard box.
She watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
She can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
When I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked yo momma what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
When I rang her doorbell, SHE said' Ding-Dong'
I asked her where the' facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner... ANY corner..."
I visited yo momma's house, more...

What is the most important use for cowhide? To hold the cow together.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (no)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits.
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
15. Pee
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

An angel wrote: Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart. Anger is only one letter short of danger. If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault. Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest. He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all. Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains.""What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then Id dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and Id use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues, "Id run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy, "Id rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then Id run into the village and get my uncle Silas."This puzzles the inspector, more...

Man`s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some
cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to
find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use
the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one
thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.
After they`ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM
and says, "Oh no, its so late,
my wife`s going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some
talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands
and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she
is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this.
I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the
vending machine. I saw this great looking chick
there and we had a few drinks and more...

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.
9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
8. more...