Use Jokes / Recent Jokes

Prelude:
Here it is! The REAL Windows FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) Version 4. 2e! The authors are still searching for more Windows/Microsoft/Bill Gates related experiences, short stories, origins and other jokes. Please send them to the support site mentioned at the end of this document.

01. Novice-Question: How do I recognize Windows?
If your screen is invaded by countless silly little icons no one is able to understand, if your computers speed is reduced to almost zero, if your hard disk is full, if you can't start your normal programs anymore, then indeed you have made the fatal mistake of acquiring Microsoft Windows!
02. Virgin-Questions: What exactly is Windows? Why do I need Windows?
Windows is a form of modern warfare. It's yet another attempt of the electronics industry to rape and destroy the minds of its unsuspecting victims. And of course you don't need Windows. It needs you. Bill Gates needs you to buy it to get even more rich and more...

Those vexatious software companies.
 
We all know about them. Their software products range from user friendly software to the truly inimical software. Most people would tell you that the majority of software fall in to the latter category. Why?, One might ask. Well, it's just the way it is. To elaborate my point, I present you with the following "Important Notice" I found on the back side of a certain software package.
Important Notice to the purchaser.
 The purchaser of this package, hereinafter referred to as the goose punter, is requested to read the under mentioned notice, and on opening and breaking the seal of this package, shall be deemed to have agreed to the following terms.
 The goose punter undertakes to use the software on one computer only, and not to duplicate the software on to other computers whether owned by the goose punter or not.
 The goose punter also undertakes not to complain about the ridiculously complicated copy more...

1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and more...

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery store picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that more...

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
' Beautiful, more...

There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
Engineering is like having an 8 a. m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
Always try to fix the hardware with software.
If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the more...