Used Jokes / Recent Jokes

21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

You know you're in Sydney, Australia, when...
• Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings but none are visible.
• You earn over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.
• You never bother looking at the bus timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.
• You can't remember... is dope illegal?
• You've been to more than one baby shower (wetting the baby's head) that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
• You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
• A great parking space can move you to tears.
• Your child's Year Three teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named Breeze. And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
• You get used to signs at zebra crossings that say, 'Pedestrians give way to traffic'.
• You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't more...

Once An American Called Santa To America. When Santa Arrived At America, The American Took Him To A Deep Jungle. They Both Dug 200m Below The Ground. They Found A Wire. American: See, Our Ancient People Also Used Telephones. Santa Felt Bad So He Called The American To India. When The American Arrived, They Both Went To The Jungle. They Dug 500m Below The Ground But Found No Wire. Santa: Our Ancient People Used Cellphones!!

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place"(why... a duh!)On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.(ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.(oh sure... now they tell me!)On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.(aye matey... but the sharks love' em!)On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.(well that's just great... now what do I use!)On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2- shipping and a $3-handling charge, for a total of $4. 97.(now you know WHY there was a Y2K bug!)On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.(he-he... I gotta try this one!)On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause more...

Condom that doubles as a self-inflating hot-air balloon (with reservoir tip)
"The Cartman" - an anal probe that facilitates otherwise impossible ski moves
Palm Pilot to distract bad guys with that hilarious Top 5 List
Condom coated with truth serum
Can of whoop-ass disguised as a Diet Coke
Miniature caulking gun for holes in the plot
Giant foam hand that says "British Secret Service #1!"
Viagra Martini: for when he's shaken, not stirred
Really grippy pliers
Cool British sports car that - get this - actually *runs*!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Cool New Gadget Used by James Bond...
Whatever it is, I bet a cheap plastic replica of it will fit in a Happy Meal.
Rumination of the Day: If you get a headache while in church, that means that God is trying to see what you're thinking. Contrary to logic, you should not make things easier by yelling to God, "So why didn't the Thundercats have their own theme more...

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. There's a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a used car salesman!" "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. more...

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the

road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he

would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest

hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy

priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down

the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there

was a priest more...