Used Jokes / Recent Jokes

I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed....

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers *grin*
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we more...

Santa used to work in a saw-mill. He was in hospital after he lost his arm in an accident. Banta was visiting him in the hospital. Banta: "It was really bad that you lost your hand. However thank Wahe Guru that it was your left hand, since you are right handed." Santa: "It is also because of my quick thinking. Actually it was the right hand which was going to be caught in the machine. Then I realised that I am right handed and so switched hands just in time!

Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed. The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit. The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder. When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning. The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".

The RedNeck Sex Test

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or more...

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds was changed. The bands used to bear the name of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated "Wash. Biol. Surv." The agency then received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow.
I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame