User Jokes / Recent Jokes
NewsflashMicrosoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" - which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been more...
Comments made by Programmers when their programs don't work: Strange... I've never heard about that. It did work yesterday. Well, the program needs some fixing. How is this possible? The machine seems to be broken. Has the operating system been updated? The user has made an error again. There is something wrong in your test data. I have not touched that module! Yes yes, it will be ready in time. You must have the wrong executable. Oh, it's just a feature. I'm almost ready. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes. It will be done in no time at all. It's just some unlucky coincidence. I can't test everything! THIS can't do THAT. Didn't I fix it already? It's already there, but it has not been tested. It works, but it's not been tested. Somebody must have changed my code. There must be a virus in the application software. Even though i t does not work, how does it feel? How come you didn't find it during the system testing? It's a setup problem. And the Ultimate: A smart user more...
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000: 1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST. SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE. SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D. C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at more...
Is Windows a Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do: 1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So, Windows is *not* a virus.
Microsoft Market Penetration-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98! ! ! Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating everyaspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, asuite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsofthas been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. Itbelieves these technologies will give it substantial leverage inpenetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need forvirus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure thenon-propagation of life. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1. 0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2. 1 (from NortonUtilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4. 0 is bundled in thepackage. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, forprofessionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 more...
Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs
Anytown USA (Offices around the World)
FEATURES
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video Inputs
Dual Audio Inputs
Audio Output
Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output
Auto Search for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Auto Sleep When Not in Use
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Self Cleaning
Production Details
After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM
programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject
inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units.
These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that
pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed
features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many
different suppliers, there is wide variation between the more...