Vacation Jokes / Recent Jokes
Ole and Sven were taking a vacation in Sven's new camper. As usual, they'd become lost and were wandering around a strange town trying to find the highway. Sven was just starting down a grade to go under a bridge when he slams on the brakes.Ole: Vat da heck you do dat for, Sven?Sven: Dat sign dere says "Low Bridge. No Vehicles Over Twelve Feet High." Dis here camper is t'irteen feet!Ole: Cripes almighty Sven, dere ain't no cops around. Yust hit da gas pedal and go for it!
Bill went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Bill's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Bill went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Bill, "My friend, the cost of sending of a body back to the States for burial is very very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00 dollars."
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains, normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00 dollars. Bill thinks for some time and answers the Consul, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul after hearing this says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price more...
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing
her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
"I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied,
"Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the more...
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery, when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store, and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them.Once again, they more...
The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man. The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary. After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go more...
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his Family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem
George's Mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5, 000. 00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150. 00.
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years more...
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation
9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.
2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.
1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!