Vacation Jokes / Recent Jokes
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.
As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!"
Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
You wake up hung over.
You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
Your underwear is missing.
You're in jail.
Last night was the company Christmas party.
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you suddenly realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing behind you. And it's his wife.While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out and you're the only coffee drinker there.You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"You wake up hung over.You have a black eye and barked knuckles.Your underwear is missing.You're in jail.Last night was the company Christmas party.
You hand an envelope to the bank teller and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in the mail and gave her your mail.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak into his office and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
As a woman enters the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat, ugly, old wench. This one's yours!" Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
You return from a week's vacation only to find that you had actually scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
You take a *sick* day. When you return to work the next morning your boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing at Rock Creek yesterday?"
You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and scraped knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one more...
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went."Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?""No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said' vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First
Anniversary.'"
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. I
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 and Dec. 25. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through more...