Valentine Jokes / Recent Jokes
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunkBut the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.9. Our love will never become cold and hollowUnless, one day, you refuse to swallow.8. I bought this Valentine's card at the storeIn hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.7. This feels so good, it feels so rightI just wish it wasn't $250 a night.6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of classEspecially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.5. Before I met you, my heart was so famishedBut now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to passOur love has grown... but so's your ass.3. You're a honey... and you're a cutieI just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or cornySo, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Osama`s ValentineLittle David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine`s Day. "Since Valentine`s Day is for a Christian saint and we`re Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"David`s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don`t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?""Osama Bin Laden," David says."Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock."Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we`re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he`d love everyone a lot. And then he`d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn`t hate anyone anymore."His father`s heart swells and he looks more...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,' Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men, which was faxed to Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake
Tribune, by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know you care. The least expensive way is to look at her -
preferably somewhere on her face - and say, "I love you, [her name here]". If you forget her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for one free quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful more...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,' Guess who?'""But why?" asks the man."I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Don't tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don't give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.Don't buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear. Don't tell your date you forgot your wallet again. Don't leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet. Don't buy your partner household appliances for Valentine's Day. Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve. Don't give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else! Don’t club baby fur seals.
Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a Tomato,
Will you Peas to me belong?
You've been the Apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So Lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect Pear.Now, something's sure to Turnip,
To prove you can't be Beet;
So, if you Carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now,
Bee my Honey, dear;
Or tears will fill Potato's eyes,
While Sweet Corn lends an ear.I'll Cauliflower shop and say
Your dreams are Parsley mine.
I'll work and share my Celery,
So be my valentine.