Valentine Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 3. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. 5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. 6. I like clay. It's mushy. 7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. 8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy more...

Indians have taken to St. Valentine's day with zest. Here are some samples of messages which appeared in the newspapers that day.

A message read:' Nearest, dearest, closest, sweetest, cutest, loveliest, hauntiest, tastiest, wittiest, crunchiest, Jannu. I just called to say I love you. Yours and only yours.'

Not to be outdone another gushed:' Dearest Limpo, you are the most crunchiest, munchiest, loveliest, sensuous, wittiest, funniest, terrific guy I love. Lots lots, lots of love to Limpo.

Still another message read:' To Samta, my love, my life, my dream, my reality, my one and only wife, my best friend.
And another:' Dear Anju, God created U 4 me but I think he 4 got 2 tell U, U R 2 sweet 2 B 4 go 10.'

And what about this:' Meri Idiotni, I believe in you and I love you. Tumhara Idiot.'

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove."These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I more...

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.
On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.
In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.
When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.
He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow more...

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?""Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."Her father's heart swells and he looks at his more...

Q: How can you tell if a valentine is from a leper?
A: The tongue's still in the envelope.