Via Jokes / Recent Jokes
Signs you've had too much of the 90's! You try to enter your password on the microwave. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?" You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. First Bull: "Boys, we all know I`ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don`t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain`t givin` him any of mine." Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I`ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we`ve agreed are mine. I`ll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I`M KEEPIN` ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I`ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the more...
There is a new virus going around, called' work'. If you receive any sort of' work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open' work' or even look at' work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter' work' via email or are faced with any' work' at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words' Sorry...I'm off to the pub'. The' work' should automatically be deleted from your brain. If you receive' work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the' work' to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that' work' will no longer be of any relevance to you. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do more...
There is a new virus going around called WORK.
If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, the Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words' This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.' Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
The following is only a kind-of-lawyer joke, but I thought it should be included anyway. It is provided courtesy of Jim McNulty, a constable with the Strathclyde Police Force in Scotland:
I was recently at a CID Special services annual smoker where one of the speakers was a well known Indian lawyer. One of my colleagues told a great story in response to some of the lawyers speech: The lawyer is apparently a great fan of very hot curries, so after a trying day in court he heads home via the local takeaway where he orders his usual extra hot vindaloo. He gets it home and pours it onto a metal plate, being careful not to spill it on the table in case it burns a hole through it. He goes to the fridge for some beer and returns to find that his cat has eaten the entire curry meal.
Normally a peaceable person, he is incensed by this, and he grabs the unfortunate animal, which he throws into a sack, weighed down by various law books which he has never read anyway. He puts the sack more...