Vice Jokes / Recent Jokes

Nixon:Watergate
Clinton:Waterbed
Nixon:His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton:His biggest fear - a Cold Sore
Nixon:Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton:Worried about carpet burns
Nixon:His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton:His Vice President is a geek
Nixon:Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton:Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon:Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton:Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon:His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton:same
Nixon:Ex-President
Clinton:Sex-President
Nixon:Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"
Nixon:Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton:Well acquainted with the G Spot
Nixon:Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton:Took on Ho
Nixon:Talked about achieving more...

It’s 1984 and I am walking up Fifth Avenue in New York one summer afternoon when I am stopped by a police barricade at 51st Street. No one is allowed to cross over, and on both sides of the barricaded streets there are crowds of pedestrians.

“What’s going on?” I asked a bystander.

“The Vice President is coming by to give a speech,” I was told by the bystander, who pointed in the direction of a building opposite from us.

For those who don’t recall, the Vice President in 1984 was George H.W. Bush, who was elected President in 1988. We won’t talk about his offspring here.

While I was not a fan of the older Bush, the idea of actually seeing him in person was rather exciting. After all, it is not every day that you walk up the street and view the Vice President.

As I was waiting for the Bush motorcade to arrive, I heard a telephone ring. These were the days before cell phones, so a ringing telephone usually meant a street more...

Quaylisms "Quaylisms" "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle more...

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Al Gore
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-Vice President Al Gore, more...

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van? Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Bush and His Running Mate

Now that it seems almost a certainty that George W. Bush will become the Republican nominee for President, attention will soon focus upon whom Governor Bush will pick for his Vice Presidential running mate. It is rumored that one of the names on the' short list' currently being floated in upper level Republican circles is former Vice President, Dan Quayle.

For many, there seems to be some very sound reasoning for picking Quayle. As was pointed out by one senior official who wished not be identified, Quayle "already knows how to do the job, will contribute gaffes that will deflect attention away from Bush's own, and in a cost saving side benefit will help the party minimize printing costs for new' Bush-Quayle' posters and bumper stickers (since they can use the leftovers from the 1988 and 1992 campaigns).

Apparently, part of the overall strategy is the targeting of a key demographic group that has been virtually ignored in more...

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice presidenthad finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back ofhis leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way."And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded hiswife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home."Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."