Visit Jokes / Recent Jokes
1> Happy Birthday, Blow-Up Wanda!
2> Mean Old Whore
3> She'll Show You for a Quarter
4> Outhouse Over Easy
5> The Surprise Under Junior's Mattress
6> That's Not the Avon Lady, Mrs. Buttafuoco
7> Shaving Grandma's Corns
8> "I'll give you something to cry about!"
9> A Slight Miss at the Bris Stablehand
10> Nude Descending My Torso
11> Sniper at the Mall
12> "Get off my lawn, damn it!"
13> Domestic Partner Marriage License
14> Darius's First L.A.P.D. Beating
15> Rover Leaves a Gift Under the Christmas Tree
16> Billy Gets Tubes In His Ears
17> Billy Gets To 3rd Base
18> Mad Dog!
19> Still Life with Axe: the Artist's Wife and the
20> Whiskers Visits the Bird Shop
21> Detective Fuhrman Finds Some Evidence
22> Building Pipe Bombs With more...
The chieftain of a remote village flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.The chief made a series of weird noises - "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"The chief made the same noises -"screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z" - and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building.""Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-z - from the shortwave radio."
On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down, and stared at the stork a while longer. Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, "Gee, Dad, he doesn't recognize me."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. .. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Now that the summer is upon us, you might be considering a visit to Canada`s youngest province. Here are a few survial tips:
a) Memorize all of the jokes at this site. Every Newfoundlander will be impressed that you have taken the time to learn about our culture and can quote these jokes verbatum.
b) Always refer to a Newfoundlander as "Newfie", otherwise you will be considered snobbish.
c) Until you are more familiar with Newfoundland and it`s history stick to safe topics when talking to Newfoundladers. A good opening line might be: "I hear unemployment is high in Newfoundland" or "My brother Jack works with a Newfoundlander in Brooks Alberta".
d) Learn how to pronounce Newfoundland. Many Canadians pronounce Newfoundland as "Newf-And-Land", sort of like Understand. This won`t get you many friends. The correct pronunciation is "New-Fun-Lin". If you remember any of these tips, make sure it is more...
One day a preacher decided to pay a visit to his grandmother who was very ill. When he got there, they began to talk. The preacher then noticed that there was a bowl of peanuts on the bed side table. When the visit was over the preacher realized that he had eaten the whole bowl of peanuts. Feeling guilty he apologized.
"Gee grandma, I'm so sorry. The peanuts were really good and I couldn't resist." The grandmother smiled and tells him, " It's ok, don't worry about it. With my false teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off the M&Ms anyway."
Bad Jokes The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOSprogram. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laughtoo hard and feel free to flame as much as you like-we are all likepassengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do whenwe get to shore.How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead? There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza! How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship? There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana! How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead? Throw in a lawn sprinkler! Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs? To diaper their skyscrapers! Why do policemen have toilets? So that yaks will disobey them! What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana? An angry nurse! What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?"Enlist more...