Visit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.My husband obligingly hailed a cab."The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.The cabby looked over his shoulder at us."And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

Brian went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Brian. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Brian crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free! "
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santa's, to Santa's surprise
And said as he sat on Santa's broad knee,
"I want your secret. Tell it to me."
He leaned up and whispered in Santa's good ear
"How do you do it, year after year?"
"I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.
How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the world's girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh
From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?"
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
"Don't ask me hard questions. Don't you want a toy?"
But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. "Now listen to me,"
He more...

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when the old woman died.
The entire family showed up for the funeral, and every day after the funeral the old man would visit the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
The groundskeeper at the cemetary, after two months of observing this ritual, decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, I see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and I just think that so sweet. I was wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

A recent Mercury carried an article about the visit of the Royal Stand-ins, Andrew and Fergie, to L.A.'s British Fest.
A man was arrested nearby for carrying a rifle. It was subsequently determined that the event was independent of the royal visit, that the man was toting his gun around because of a domestic spat. So he was immediately released, and given back his gun.
Only in the NRA's America...

The Island of Copper Sand is a great country. It once had a government so loved by
people, that it governed the country for 17 years until the society became a
Dharmista Samajaya (a just society).
The Minister for Land, Land Development and Great-Sand was a very honest person
named "Village-Leader District-Leader". These Copper-Sandinians used to have
very peculiar names such as "Vitory-Improver", "Love-Slave", "Treasury-Leader",
"Inner-Muddlier" etc. etc.
Once a minister from an African country paid an official visit to Cooper Sand. This
minister, being the minister for Construction and Land Development in his country
was very much interested in visiting the Great-Sand Project that consisted of
several vast dams in various places of the island. The funds for those gigantic
projects were provided by the Bank de Globe.
So, obviously the Copper Sand counterpart, more...