Wal-mart Jokes / Recent Jokes
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low
Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now more...
Wal-Mart also will be adding the pills from the movie "The Matrix" to the plan, but will only sell the red pills in blue states and the blue pills in red states.
Wal-Mart has transformed small towns across America, but perhaps none more so than Bentonville, where the migration of executives from major cities like New York, Boston and Atlanta has turned this former backwater into a teeming mini- metropolis populated by Hindus and Jews.
And with their arrival came the term Wal-Mart Jews, a term not embraced by the Jewish population. Having a cheap connotation, they feel that it will only add to an already prominent stereotype. "I don't like the term, but it could be worse." Says one Transfer. "We could've been the Target Muslims."
Things to do II
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband.
The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so she answers it.
It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?"
She replied, "Great... but how did you know I was at Wal-mart?"
Coincidentally, a new Chinese poll reveals that Wal-Mart also best symbolizes China since most of Wal-Mart's merchandise is made there.