Warm Jokes / Recent Jokes

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, "Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wife's wonderful chocolate chip cookies."
After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wife's cookies still lingering on his palate?
The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.
He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man more...

This is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook, printed in the early 60s.
The Good Wives Guide
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return home from work. This is way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers, etc. and the run a dust more...

[I got this from They Used to Call Me Snow White...But I Drifted
by Regina Barreca. CTM]
This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. "Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.
She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

Santa was talking to his fiancee, Jeeto, and he said, "Be honest, how am I as a lover?"
To which Jeeto replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."
"Really?" Santa said excitedly.
"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."
Santa was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by.
The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he more...

To keep his knees warm.

Once upon a time there was a lazy sparrow who started his flight South too
late into winter. As he flew, the moisture froze on his little wings and he
crash landed on a farm yard. Unable to fly with frozen wings the sparrow wished
if someone could make him warm. Before long the farm cow came along and unloaded
a pile of dung on the sparrow, who went "Oh Dung! this is the last thing I need.
I wish someone would take me out of this pile of dung". However, the warm dung
made the sparrow warm and his wings began to thaw. Overjoyed, the sparrow began
to sing. The farm cat heard the singing and came to investigate, saw the sparrow
stuck in the dung took him out of the pile of dung and ate it.
The morals of the story are:

1. Anyone who lands a pile of dung on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Anyone who takes you out of the pile of dung is not necessarily tour friend.
3. If you are warm and happy even inside a more...