Warm Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is excerpted from an actual 1950's high school Home Economics textbook:

ADVANCE: How to be a Good Wife
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up children's books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you more...

there were three one centimeter men so thin that you could almost see through them. They were looking for a good home when they came along a nice tall woman.
They all three climbed on. The first one said, hey guys i found a nice yellow sticky cave i think ill live here! The next one said hey i found a nice warm green lumpy cave i think ill live here! The next one said hey i found a nice warm forest the only thing wrong with it is that theres a bald guy spitting at me!!!

An amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." the mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever more...

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of more...

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom. Each time
he tried the restroom, it was occupied. A kind stewardess, aware of
his predicament, suggested that he try the ladies room, but cautioned
him against pushing any of the buttons.
Making the fatal mistake that so many men make in disregarding what
a woman says, the man let curiosity get the best of him. He carefully
pressed the first button marked WW, and Warm Water sprayed him on his
bottom. He thought "The girls really have it made"... still curious, he
pressed the button marked WA, and Warm Air dried his bottom. He
thought "That's out of this world" and pressed the button marked PP. A
large Powder Puff powdered his bottom lightly. Naturally, he couldn't
resist pushing the last button which was marked ATR...
When he awoke in the hospital he panicked. "What happened? Where am
I?" he cried, "The last thing I remember was more...

After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
****
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
****
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
****
Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
****
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
****
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
****
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
****
Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one's child
is an internist.
****
Jews on safari -
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
****
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
****
The shivah visit:
so sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
****
Mom, more...

The Original Version
The Ant busts his rear in the withering heat all summer long,
building his house and laying up suplies for the winter. The Grasshopper
thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter the Ant is warm and well fed. The Grasshopper has no food or
shelter so dies out in the cold.
The New Liberal Version
It starts out the same but when winter comes, the shivering
Grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the Ant
should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering
Grasshopper next to the Ant in his comfortable home with a table filled
with food. Americal is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in
a country of such wealth that this poor Grasshopper is allowed to suffer
so? Then a representative of the NAGB (The National Association of Green
Bugs) shows up on Night Line more...