Washing Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat barstools.

4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

6. Don't buy expensive' ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip handful of frozen peas more...

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even more...

Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it. No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected. Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under more...

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.
'Sshhh ' said the bride. 'All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'
So the following night, the husband asks, 'I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'
'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.
When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
'I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'
'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts...
123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!
127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
129. Q: What's the difference between a more...

121. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine? A: Not everybody has been in a limo.122. Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies? A: One's a bunch a cunning runts...123 Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush? A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.124. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job? A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.125. Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley? A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own! 127. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal? A: One's a busy ditch.128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet? A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.129. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster? A: In the morning a rooster says, more...