Ways Jokes / Recent Jokes
There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed
They've finally gone and done it! The parents have arranged one of those "meetings" where the "Any Other Business" is "Would you like pink balloons or red ones at the wedding reception?"
Yes! You're being introduced to a potential marriage partner. But to your horror Prince/Princess Charming(less) has a personality about as interesting as your big toe, wears clothes straight from the Patiala fashion show for Punjabi Farmers, has a face like a Pizza (with extra olives) and worst of all is an Accountant!
So how do you tell them that you're not interested? Well, there are obvious ways to say "Take a hike, Jack (or Jaswinder)!" but that could lead to teary eyes all round! So for your well-being The Funjabis have put together "Ten Ways To Say Get Lost - With A Smile." It may help you to adjourn the meeting more gracefully so you can live to have another one the following weekend!
Wipe your nose more...
19 Ways To Annoy/Confuse Santa Claus
1.) Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2.) While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3.) Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4.) While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5.) Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6.) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7.) Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8.) While he's in more...
Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover")
The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
He takes a landing party down to find what's going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it - the 'expendables' are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign
Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free...
She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this more...
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?
50 ways to FREAK your roommate
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave
"Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your
roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair
of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and
dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying,
"Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate
to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like,
THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your more...
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars: 1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this. 4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car' 95 or a car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats. 5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way NOW! 6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available more...